Tuesday, June 26, 2007

No More Faith

Sounds like a scarey subject, doesn't it? Man, I'll tell ya what - if my newly found faith has ever been tested it is right now - adoption is an amazing thing - but an incredibly hard thing. It's trying. It wears you out. It tries every last ounce of your patience. It almost laughs at you with it's ever-increasing wait and just taunts you to the point of frustration - a point I might add that Satan wants you at.

It even dares you to question God and His perfect timing and His perfect will and plans for you. Overall - it's just exhausting.

Let me back up for a second - don't get me wrong - adoption is dope. It is the bomb. It is everything we want to be doing and know we are supposed to be doing - God has definitely made that clear to us. Back in October 2006 when we dove in head first there was sooooo much to do. So much paperwork. So much running around and cutting red tape here and there and hunting and gathering - you know - the stuff us humans were made to do - hunt and gather. And it all went off without a hitch (Thank You God!!)

But now Laura and I find ourselves heading in to month #4 of our wait - and wow is it tough. The hunting and gathering is all done with and we are now trying to cope with something we humans just werent built for (or so it seems) - waiting patiently. And man - we suck at it. I mean - this wait seems sooooo long. We have this passion inside of us and it's like we have to sit on it for the next 2 years. Can you imagine waking up on Christmas Day as a kid and sprinting downstairs full of excitement to ... an empty tree? With a note that said "You can open your presents on Labor Day!" That's kinda how it feels. Or like you are running a race - but you don't know the distance of the race. So how do you pace yourself? You see people finish and you know they ran the same race but they ran different lengths - how do we even set a pace to get through this?

So anyways - those are some things that have been running through our minds lately. And today, while i was running in the woods and talking to God - okay, I was kinda yelling at God, saying "What is up???" - but anyways, a song from one of our favorite artists came on - "No More Faith" by Andrew Peterson. What a song. What a guy. He gave me something I needed to hear right then. Thank you God for controlling my iPod at that moment.

So here are the lyrics and the song is here also (just push play on that embedded Windows Media Player). I hope you can get a little something out of it - I know Laura and I did tonight.








No More Faith - Andrew Peterson
This is not another song about the mountains
Except about how hard they are to move
Have you ever stood before them
Like a mustard seed who's waiting for some proof?

I say faith is a burden
It's a weight to bear
It's brave and bittersweet
And hope is hard to hold to
Lord, I believe
Only help my unbelief

Till there's no more faith
No more hope
I'll see your face and Lord, I'll know
That only love remains
Have you heard it said that Jesus is the answer
And thought about the many doubts you hide
Have you wondered how he loves you
If He really knows how dark you are inside

I say faith is a burden
It's a weight to bear
It's brave and bittersweet
And hope is hard to hold to
Lord, I believe
Only help my unbelief

Till there's no more faith
No more hope
I'll see your face and Lord, I'll know
When there's no more faith
And no more hope
I'll sing your praise and let them go
'cause only love
Only love remains

So I will drive these roads in thunder and in rain
And I will sing your song at the top of my lungs
And I will praise you, Lord, in glory and in pain
And I will follow you till this race is won
And I will drive these roads till this motor won't run
And I will sing your song from sea to shining sea
And I will praise you Lord, till your kingdom comes
And I will follow where you lead

Till there's no more faith
No more hope
I'll see your face and Lord, I'll know
When there's no more faith
And no more hope
I'll sing your praise and let them go
'cause only love
Only love remains

Friday, June 22, 2007

Letter From Mommy

My Dearest Baby,

This is a letter to you, the child who waits for me in the future. God has been pressing you on my mind and heart this week, more so than ever before. The longing for you grows by the minute as do the questions on why I have not met you yet. When the questions come, God gently reminds me it is not time. The time for a paths to cross is destined to happen at a particular moment perfectly timed and picked out by our Lord. So there I will try to find rest....rest that does not come easily for me. There is a hole in my heart that you are destined to fill.

I have so much more to say to you but finding the right words to describe how I feel is very difficult. Your daddy is much better at that than me.

But do know that although we have not met yet, I love you more and more with each passing second. I know our meeting will be perfect.

Until the day God unites us I will remember this verse:

Psalm 139:14: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Love,

Mommy

Monday, June 11, 2007

Boys vs. Girls

I know, I know - hold on to your seats people - cuz I just made 2 journal entries within 10 days of each other. That's right - I'm back (for right now at least). Anyways, something that was on my mind while I ran today (other than "Dear Lord, it's hot!") was the gender of our little one. Most people, when they hear you are adopting from China, immediately assume you are adopting a little girl. And I supposed I understand this since we see and we hear so much about the rules of the government in China - and all of the fines associated with multiple children which sometimes causes society in China to cast out their female children. So I understand that most people have the idea that everyone comes home from China with a little girl.

But that is not the case. There are little boys in China in need of families as well. For us - it wasn't up to us to say what gender of a child we would be getting. God had orchestrated this entire process, from decision to DTC, and far be it from us to say what the gender of our child should be. Plus, we relish the idea of treating this like a biological birth - and not knowing until referral what the gender will be. Does it get any more exciting than that? I think not. That's like the month of December as a child waiting slowly for the big day of presents to come - thats the kind of anticipation I have for the day our referral comes in and we'll finally know whether we will have a little boy or a little girl.

Like I said, I understand the mistaken perception that everyone comes homes from a China adoption with a little girl. But lately, I have read a few things where some people have made comments along the lines of "I would be devastated if I got a little boy..." and that is where I have to draw the line of understanding. I just can't wrap my head around a comment like that - Laura and I will be blessed beyond belief with whatever God chooses to place in our lives - a little girl or a little boy. And we simply can not wait..

Friday, June 1, 2007

First Friday Update

Well what do you know? People do actually come to this site and read it to get updates on our adoption process - well, I should say "try" and get updates. Yes, it's true. I have been one terrible slacker of a maintenance guy for this website. I am hereby publicly declaring that I will be trying much harder to keep this site rolling with some semblance of regular updates.

So, with that in mind - let me start anew right now. Tonight we went to a monthly meeting called First Friday - held at Dan & Susan Chapman's house. Dan & Susan are a couple that actually go to the same church as us and have adopted a little girl from China. They so graciously open their home on the first friday of every month and host a support group of sorts for anyone in the China adoption process - from folks about to travel to folks who are just considering an adoption from China.

Tonight's meeting was great as usual. It's a pretty informal get together where we can talk with others who are dealing with the same issues we are and get some encouragement, inspiration and confidence from other folks in the same boat. Tonight we went around and reintroduced ourselves and told where we were in the process. I say "we" but Laura did the talking - she's the PR person for us on this journey. I just do the writing.

One couple is just about to travel in the next 3 weeks or so. That is an exciting place to be and I can not wait for that time to come - in the meantime we will use this wait as a positive time in our lives. We will never have these 2 years again and we both want to make sure and make the most out of this time God has given us before our baby comes home.

There were plenty of good stories and plenty of things we need to pray about with one couple stuck in the review room - I can only imagine what it must be like to make it that far, to be that close and then to hit a hurdle like the review room needing more info. But all of this stuff is in God's hands right now and even though we want it on our timeline we really know it isn't within our control.

Another couple was just recently back and they had their daughter with them tonight - she was adorable. She could wave like crazy and gave great high-fives. If you know me, I am all about the high-fives so I was first in line. When I saw her and saw how perfect she was, I can't help but imagine Laura and I with our new addition to the family. This couple was so happy and so proud of their child - it was great for us to see them and to see their joy.

As usual, I left First Friday feeling rejuvenated - pumped back up about this seemingly never-ending wait we have ahead of us. God bless the Chapman's for doing what they do - when we can leave and feel a little more inspired, a little less alone and a little more comforted than we did coming in - than you know that it is a good thing they are doing. I look forward to the stories & encouragement from our next meeting.