State of the Household Address

"You don't need a list of statistics to know that my stomach is in crisis. You hear me everyday. It's the worry you wake up with and the source of your sleepless nights.

The impact of the dietary recession in my belly is real, and it is everywhere.

But snack-craving toddlers, tonight I want you to know this: we will overcome, we will recover, we will eat when and what we want to.

As I speak, members of Congress are preparing a stimulus package that I will insert directly into my belly. Yours are coming - I promise!

We will not be beaten - our snacks will be eaten!

Thank you all - it's time for night night..."