Friday, January 25, 2013

Time and Wounds and Healing

I don't think it's true what they say about time healing all wounds. I really don't. Oh sure - time heals some wounds. Physical ones heal and go away, some not even leaving a scar. Psychological and emotional ones can take longer but time still does its magic on them.

But what about the ones we prayed for? I mean - longingly poured our hearts out for and asked to have? I don't think time heals those. And maybe it shouldn't.

5 years ago this month our son, Brighton Asher, went home to Heaven. And left a gaping hole in our hearts that precious little can fill. Sure - it gets a little easier to talk about him - but I can still lose it like it was yesterday (ask anybody who was at our 5k race last fall).

But here's the kicker - I ASKED for this. This weight. This pain. This daily struggle I have. Because yes - 5 years ago my son passed away before we could hold him and love on him. But 6 YEARS AGO I spent almost every single one of my runs praying my mind out to God asking Him this, over and over and over:

"God... break my heart for what breaks yours. Break it and then use me..."
I did not expect and could have never have scripted what was to follow.

But the truth is... I don't think I'd change a thing.

Oh sure... I LONG to toss a ball with Brighton, take him running, teach him to ride a bike, throw him up on my shoulders, tickle him, pick him up when he falls, treat him to Yogli Mogli, teach him about God... and it hurts bad - almost daily - to know I'll never do that this side of Heaven.

But the flip side of this - the thing I glimpse every now and then when I let my broken heart sneak out from underneath the weight of a lost son - is that I have gotten to know the nature of God. I have gotten to know Him in ways I couldn't have ever imagined. I've experienced Him in pain and in the sorrow that fills His heart. But mostly in His redemptive healing.

The outcome of a simple and unassuming prayer 6 years ago now has me spending every single January filled with a cornucopia of emotions from pain, confusion and sorrow to happiness, joy and gratefulness.

But mostly... mostly I find myself reflecting on God. My savior. A savior who knows what it's like to lose a son.


Anonymous said...

I was just praying this morning about my son, gone 15 years ago on the 27th.

Thanks for sharing your heart.


Tymm said...

i'm so sorry for your loss susan. I hope and pray your heart has experienced God in ways never thought imaginable...

emily said...

Brighton, Abe-- the Lord used these two precious boys to bring our families together. The pain, the struggle, keeps us at the foot of the cross and for that I'm thankful. We love you guys. LONG overdue for a visit.

Tymm said...

Thankful for the friendship with you guys that came out of Brighton and out of Abe, Emily. You're right too - the pain keeps us right where we need to be.

We NEED a visit soon!