Monday, May 4, 2015

No Weapon Formed Against Me...

In light of ISIS cutting the heads off of Christians for refusing to walk away from Jesus - it seems silly to even address this.

But this blog serves as our family's journal - so we'll go ahead and capture this here. Often, it gives us strength and encouragement to be able to come back here at times and see the stuff that God has walked us through in life.

"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord."
That part in there - about the tongue that rises up in judgment and the condemnation that follows? I'm banking on that. I think the author's track record can be trusted...

If you guys have tracked along here for any length of time - you've probably heard me talk about my biological dad a little bit. Or - to use his own terminology - my "ex-dad." In a nutshell - it took me about 15 years of life and a series of unfortunate events to fully realize who he really was - and let me tell ya - it ain't pretty.

Over the last 13 years or so he has made some choices in life that - while asserting and confirming what I had learned of him as a child - have baffled many while at the same time inflicting intentional pain on those he repeatedly refers to as his "ex-family."

I watched him walk out on my mother.

Verbally abuse her, me and my sisters.

Say and write unimaginable things about my kids and about me, my sisters and their families that would leave you speechless.

Then - if that wasn't enough - he "wrote" a book and compiled all of these horrible things in one spot and sent that "book" out to multiple people in our home town.

I am astounded each time I see the depths of his hatred and anger.

And he has waffled back and forth, on and off of medication - blaming every imaginable (and unimaginable) infliction for his poor, poor choices. Including me. He blames me for a lot of his problems.

It's this. It's that. It's my ex-son's fault. The world's against me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Never once has he ever owned a single one of his deliriously poor choices or incredibly horrible actions. But rather he has looked anywhere but inward to blame his situations. Blame God. Blame others. Blame family. Blame that horrible, horrible ex-son.

Blame them for being fired from your job(s). Blame them for walking out on your wife. Blame them for your anger towards God. Blame them for everything because - come on - couldn't have anything to do with you, right?

If this man was my own child - we'd be having a LOT of talks about what our behavior is displaying about us. But let's be honest - my kids would never act this way. Most kids wouldn't.

A few years back - after yet another unfortunate series of interactions with him that included profanity, vulgar references, horrible inferences to my kids and racism - I told him we were done communicating with each other. And I've stuck to that. There have been plenty times when I have had to fight that urge - when he has publicly stated stuff about me or my sisters - but I have and will continue to stick to my stance. His attacks on my family and his blasphemous attitude towards Jesus have left me no other choice.

But that doesn't mean that at times I wish it was different. I see friends with great relationships with their parents - and I am in awe that such things could happen. I mean - this guy was the very reason it took me YEARS to be able to see God as a fatherly figure. So I am amazed at friends who have parents that cherish and pour into them - not the opposite.

And see - here is where I get to the point of this post. Satan knows this. He knows what struggles my life has had because he's been behind a lot of them.

Oh - I have made some dumb, poor decisions in life that I'd fully own - but satan knows the bigger thing - the thing that could keep me from seeing God as my heavenly Father that He certainly is. And he'd take ANY opportunity to help that rise back up to get in the way of my view of Jesus.

And recently he did just that. Cuz that's how satan rolls.

I process things through writing (clearly). And about a week ago I wrote a little rhyme about the idea of heaven having no feelings of anger or hurt or despise and how maybe... just maybe... if my "ex-dad" found himself saved and in heaven - we'd be able to start over fresh with none of the earthly anger, hatred and hurt that is carried around. Here's the poem I wrote:

if I told you some of the things that my own dad has said,
the blatant lies and vindictive anger that has spewed from his head;

If I told you half this stuff - you might just be seeing red,
Or be like me - at certain times - well... his name I just dread;

He has bashed me and my kids with his mouth full of hate,
All my friends with real great parents? Man I just can't relate;

He hurt my mom, he hurt my sisters - hurt his own father too,
And if he got a chance I promise he would try to hurt you;

And I struggle - ya know despite this - to find a way to just like him,
Even just a little rather than wanting to fight him;

And my kids don't know this grandpa - but they know the whole truth,
And every now and then we even pray for him too;

Because deep down underneath this angry outwardly fool,
There lies a heart 'twas built by God - amidst a God-breathed soul;

And just cuz I can't see it and a lot of others can't either,
Doesn't mean he wasn't built to be a strong God believer;

And even though he stands for hate and some other things that God hates,
God sees past it all and in His holy eyes - he is great;

He didn't make him as a test - this game is real, not a scrimmage,
And somewhere way before the hate - my dad was made in His image;

And that is something that is tough for me to look in the face,
Cuz it's so hard to be disgraced then turn around and show grace;

So I pray this prayer a lot - "God just get him before he dies"
Because in heaven I won't be able to feel hate or despise;

I won't be vengeful, won't be hurt, won't be mad through and through,
And it's my prayer that without those feelings we could start over new....

In heaven.

Hear me loud and clear - this was strictly about heaven. I do not desire a relationship with him this side of heaven. At all.

I have forgiven him strictly from a "he knows not what he does" perspective but his hatred, anger and blasphemy towards a God who has been nothing but just, loving and caring towards me is something he's gonna have to work out on his own judgement day. THAT and only that will dictate what heaven looks like for us. And I do still believe that could happen.

Well - as social media would have it - somebody who is a friend of a friend of a friend - saw this and emailed it to him. He then posted it on his blog and gave his running commentary of the poem. He offered up things like:
  • "this is a simple confabulated poem written by a delusional, desperate wanna-be God fearing Christian, who just happens to be my ex-son, by his choice."

  • "my ex-son simply does not want to accept the truth of the supposedly blatant lies and vindictive anger that spewed from my head."

  • "It’s really hard for my ex-son to accept the truth of who he really is, but the time will come when the light bulb goes off and the realization that he can’t keep this delusional facade he lives under going. "

  • "I didn’t know he had any children. I did know he has adopted a few children."

  • "the truth about his friends with real great parents? They are no better than he or his sisters are."

  • "The hurt that his mother and sisters are feeling started when he couldn’t keep his arrogant comments to himself. "

  • "When I divorced my wife, he and my ex-daughters chose to be included in that divorce and he and my ex-daughters never reached out to me, instead chose to bury their heads in the sand."

  • "I hope he stops struggling and moves on with this life he chose. He is simply in the infancy stages of finding the inner consciousness of his God. I am confident he will have many more lives to overcome those struggles."

  • "how would any delusional, god-fearing, wanna-be Christian ever know who is and isn't built to be a strong God-fearing individual?"

  • "He would be better challenged working with his own God and leave mine out of it."

  • "Don't even put me in the same category that you think you are in. I have my own image and it definitely wasn’t built around your God’s image."

  • "move on with this grace and forgiveness crap and keep me out of it."

  • "Unfortunately, God won’t get me in this life. I am still reaching for my inner-consciousness and surmise that I may have several more lives before I am ready for God."

  • "NOT! I don’t see us starting new ever happening and would hope that he would just move. "

  • "Heaven? Good luck with that!"

So much anger. So much hatred. So much confusion. And so much outright lying.

But - here's where satan tries to creep in. He uses people - even our known enemies who hate us - to wield power over us. This whole thing could have easily left me questioning everything about myself, my God, my Savior and my relationship with Jesus. It's not the first time this man has sorta insinuated that there was no way I could be a Christian.

And that is where I need my Father more than anything. I need His word. I need His promises. I need His love and His compassion and caring nature. I need this:
"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord."
I believe that with all I have. I believe He gave us that word in Isaiah 54 as an encouragement, a strengthener when we needed it.

So... I guess this begs the question - why write this? Why, Tymm? Why not sweep this up under a rug - ride it out until it's well past us - and let sleeping dogs lie?

Yesterday Andy Stanley said in church there are only like 5 stories - and none of them are unique. And I believe that. And I believe that somebody out there, somewhere is having their love for God challenged by tongues rising against them. Somebody close to them is discouraging them, degrading them, using disparaging words towards them and making them question the TRUTH.

To that somebody - I say - "I feel ya." Stand strong. If your heart knows Him and you know it - let nothing - and I mean NOTHING - try to take that away from you.

I won't stop dreaming about a heaven where enemies walk hand in hand with no recollection of the earthly past.

I stand guarded. But hopeful.


Kari said...

Wow. I have tears in my eyes. We truly don't know the pain others carry sometimes, do we? Although the situations are different, my husband and I each have one narcissistic parent like you describe and the hardest thing in the world is when they won't ever just OWN UP to the destruction they've created! They're never wrong, in their own eyes. It's so, so sad, the joy they miss out on, the peace that could be theirs. I found out that one of our relatives sneered that our adoption was "disgusting" because we were going to Africa to buy ourselves a slave. Really??? Who even thinks like that! But man, I needed to hear that verse from Isaiah. Thanks for being real and sharing your story. I know others will be able to relate.

Unknown said...

I feel you Kari - 100%. I am so glad the Isaiah verse was good for you - it's been really heavy on my heart and mind the past few days as his incredibly narcissistic words rang in my ears.

It's kinda amusing at times - he's been like this so long it almost just makes me laugh now.

Thanks for posting Kari and letting me know I'm not alone (knew I wasn't...)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this and sharing your story. I also have issues with my father, and can relate to some of what you are going through.
Right before reading your blog I just found out that I was kicked off the Guardian newspaper website. What did I do? I said I would pray for the atheists who were flocking to "atheist churches" because they obviously felt the absence of God in their lives. You wouldn't believe the vitriol that came from such a simple comment. So now I can't comment on articles there because apparently they hate Christians, their words not mine. I'm not going to lie it did make me feel bad, but then I read your blog post and I feel better. I'm sorry for what you had to endure. Sometimes people don't talk about certain things because its too painful or they're embarrassed but thank you again for writing this it made me realize that I'm not alone, other people are going through things like this too and your family is not just surviving you're thriving. It gives me hope.
Sorry for the long post. :)

Tymm said...

Hey up there ^

Thanks for that post - I am thankful that reading this helped a little. Man - we are SO not alone in the stories we walk through.

That's incredibly sad about the Guardian kicking ya off - but unfortunately not surprising. The Gospel is incredibly, wickedly offensive to those who have no space in their heart for Him.

Stay strong and stay speaking the truth!